My graduation is in 3 days!!! In 3 days I’m going to be walking across a stage in front of hundreds of people. I know that everybody who is graduating feels nervous, that is natural, but my anxiety has taken all my worries to level 100 and I am now dreading the day. I hate the fact that anxiety destroys every pleasure I have at the moment. Graduation should be an exciting day, but for me, my anxiety has been the worst it’s been for a while. I struggle to deal with situations that feel like they’re slightly out of my control.
Over the weekend, I had a horrible feeing about my accommodation for the night before. It’s my birthday the day before, so we thought it would be nice to have a room and celebrate my birthday in the city. I booked a lovely room through Air Bnb about 2 months ago, to find out yesterday that the host had cancelled 6 weeks ago and Air Bnb had failed to notify me! My anxiety plummeted here. I was thinking well why haven’t I received a refund? Now we’re going to have to pay over the odds for a room, we are already having difficulty with money, so where is the extra money going to come from? So last night I was in tears, hunting for a cheap hotel room. I managed to find one and reserve the room, my anxiety carried on as I realised we are going to have to pay for our parking. This doesn’t sound like a big deal for some, but for me I couldn’t help but worry about how am I going to afford this? Financial difficulties are really leaving me anxious at the moment, it’s a constant stress.
My outfit for the day is so simple because that’s how I wanted it, now I’m worrying about how I’ll look compared to everybody else. I opted for cut off trousers and a nice top, instead of a dress. I was fine about this until seeing my friends outfits, why am I worrying though? If I’m comfortable in my outfit then what is the problem? Maybe I care too much what others think. You should have seen people’s faces when I said I wasn’t wearing heels, I didn’t want to be panicking about the fact I can’t walk in high heels. Why do we sometimes feel the need to do what everybody else is doing, to do what is the ‘norm’? I’m now wearing low heels. I don’t even want to think about my hair at the moment, my normal afro style hair is going to have to be nice and straight for the cap to fit on my head. My hair is so thick, it never behaves… another worry. My make-up is being done by my cousin, what a relief that part of the day is!
I’ve been given a code to collect my cap and gown with, I’ve got my photo’s booked in and I’ve got my graduand number. Somebody who doesn’t live with anxiety would accept this. I’m anxious that they’ve given me the wrong code, or that they’ve messed up my size or on the day my number won’t match where I’m sitting. Can you see how anxiety can cause somebody to think so irrational? I’m fed up of people saying aw everybody is nervous or you’ll be excited on the day. Hmm, I’m not sure those comments entirely help.
I am so proud that I’ve managed to complete my 3 year degree, I’m proud of my friends. I understand it’s a massive achievement and I am really grateful for it, but that doesn’t stop me from dreading my graduation ceremony.
I’m definitely going to do a part 2 to this post, after the day of graduation. I thought I’d write about how I’m feeing about the day, there may be somebody out there who has anxiety and is feeling similar about their day. I may post on social media things like yay! I’m graduating soon, but really nobody knows how anxious I’m feeling about it all. My anxiety causes me to worry and worry until I think about the worse outcome for something.
I’m sorry if this post is too personal. This topic is very real for me right now and I just wanted readers to know that if this is them too, taking graduation out the picture, reading about my general anxiety may help them.